America Times’ intrepid time-traveling reporter brings you this news report from January 1, 3028.
On the stroke of midnight, in a sensational open-air press conference in New Delhi with hundreds of dignitaries in attendance, the Indian national flag, the tricolor, was lowered over Parliament. It was replaced by a new national flag. This is entirely saffron, with the Hindu symbol “Om” in black on the top left and bottom right, a Hindu trident on the top right and bottom left, and an Indian Swastika in the center.
There was enthusiastic applause by all of the government officers and by some Indian correspondents. Others joined in lamely.
Prime Minister Lokbhagwaan Podi apologized to the nation for waiting so long to express sorrow for the torture and murder of an 8-year-old girl. This and other such occurrences against Dalits, Muslims, Christians and other non-Hindutvans were horrific, he declared, as had been the impact of fiascos such as the goods and services (GST) tax and demonetization. But he was delayed because he had been busy preparing the Final Solution to all of India’s problems and indeed the world’s problems.
None of the correspondents knew how to respond to the apology, let alone to such a declaration, and they waited with bated breath for Podi’s next words. “All jumlas (hyperbole), such as Ram Raj,” he said, “are to be set aside from today.”
At this, there were signs in the sky, a hologram of Brahmin priests lighting traditional lamps and intoning the traditional mantra, in which Podi and many of those assembled joined.
The Podi Raj
The prime minister then announced there had been, in secret, a Special Joint Conclave of National Authorities (the president of India, all chiefs of defense, all members of Parliament, the chief justice and so on) who had taken the unanimous democratic decision to set aside the Indian Constitution as old-fashioned, foreign-inspired, over-complicated and unnecessary in the bright new future into which the country, and indeed the world, is now headed.
“I hereby declare the birth of Podi Raj”, he said. That announcement was followed, for India, by uncharacteristic silence on the part of the correspondents.
Podi said he could now reveal that earlier jumlas were themselves jumlas. With a little giggle, he let slip that there had even been jumlas that no one had been aware were jumlas. Such as the NM and GA affairs.
“It is time for the Pravda, and that needs to be revealed step by step,” he said.
“First, let me say that all promises made earlier will not only be fulfilled, they will be hugely exceeded, in the same way as baniyas [traders] always deliver not only the established kilo of rice, but much more, pressed down, shaken together and running over.”
“Second, the nation need no longer be puzzled by the non-persecution of people such as NM and GA. Here is the Pravda: I had sent them abroad on a secret research mission essential to developing the Final Solution, and I wanted to wait till I had proof that the solution was working. I now have the proof. I can now reveal the proof that the Final Solution is working.” Tapping his chest, he declared, “I am no longer Mr56 but Mr56.1.” (At this point, finally, there was a little scattered applause by a few more of the correspondents than had already revealed themselves as Podi enthusiasts.)
He also revealed why AS had been authorized to ease out old-fashioned Hindutvans such as PT and replace them with Poditvans such as VSK. “That is simply because it is now demonstrable,” he said, “that Poditva is superior to Islam, to Christianity, to Buddhism and indeed to Hindutva.”
At this, there was what can only be described as stunned silence. Rhetorically, he asked how such superiority could be demonstrated to all doubters.
He started with defense. “As a result of Poditva chanting, the first Chinese submarine entering within 200 km of the land has already just risen to the surface and cracked open, and the Chinese submariners have been able to walk on water to come to India, the new promised land, where they are being feted in Mumbai’s famous Taj Hotel.” (There was a holographic clip of Chinese in naval uniform, at a sumptuous banquet raising a toast with a milky drink with their left hands, as they saluted with their right hands, and shouted “Jai Hind!”)
“The Chinese navy officers will be taken around India,” said the prime minister, “in the country’s new Podic Aircraft. And, as soon as the naval ratings and officers have become acquainted with the unbelievable impressiveness of India’s all-round progress, they will be allowed to undertake the now-tested and proven one-day course in Poditva, after which they will be able to levitate up to Tibet, to Aksai Chin and to the border areas of Arunachal Pradesh, so as to persuade the Chinese local commanders to walk down to India and see for themselves the wonder that has now become of India.”
He added: “These local commanders will then themselves be given a special two-day course, so they can levitate all the way to Beijing and ensure that Hindi-Chini can indeed be bhai-bhai.”
Milk and Honey, But No Jobs
Prime Minister Podi then tackled the vexed issue of starvation in India’s burgeoning population. “Poditva chanters have been able to enable the speedy growth of all agricultural products,” he said. “As a result, instead of only two or three crops every year, Poditva mantras can now enable the production of six crops every year.”
Enormous applause seemed to start, but Podi interrupted it to continue: “Poditva also enables the sexless reproduction of fish, and all other animals — except cows! All cows are enabled by Poditva chanting to transition, not only to a new eternal existence, but also to being able to provide 100 liters of milk every day. Now here is the best thing of all: The miraculous transition affects the bulls, who are of course no longer necessary, and it is therefore useful for them to be transformed into female cows by means of Podic intervention that, unlike surgery, involves no violence or pain.” Now, there was not only clapping, but whistling and thumping of tables by almost all the correspondents.
But Podi interrupted this too: “Most importantly,” he said, “Poditva is attracting bees from all over the world to India and as soon as they cross the border, their ability to produce honey multiplies. India will become the first country in the world to literally flow with milk and honey.”
At this point, all the correspondents jumped to their feet and gave Podi a standing ovation. He had to gesture energetically to them to sit down, and succeeded only after some time.
However, when the hubbub had subsided a little, one correspondent not too far from Podi’s microphone jumped to his feet and shouted, “But what about jobs?” This was heard by some people but not many, and as security guards rushed to the man, Podi shouted, “Stop!”
The guards stopped and looked at the prime minister as he said, “I request the security guards please to go back. The gentleman has asked an important question. His question,” which he repeated so everyone could hear, “is: ‘But what about jobs?’ Naturally, Poditva has an answer to that, which should in fact be evident to everyone. In a land flowing with milk and honey, you do not need jobs — except for obtaining clothes and houses. And I am now going to reveal another secret. Poditva enables not only the transition of ordinary cows into PodiCows, but it also allows PodiCows to produce PodiMilk. Anyone who drinks only one cup of freely available PodiMilk every day, with or without PodiHoney, finds their physical constitution changed, so that the body automatically becomes warm enough no matter how cold it is, and the body automatically becomes cool enough no matter how hot the weather.”
In response to evident disbelief, the prime minister continued, “You don’t believe me? That is because you ignore our rishis [sages] who have, over centuries, been able to flourish in the Himalayas as well as in the Thar Desert. The only difference is that a rishi has to practice yoga for hours and years. That is no longer necessary. All that you have to do, whether you are a rishi, a yogi or an ordinary citizen is to drink one cup of PodiMilk, and you can be perfectly happy without clothes or houses.” There was uncertain applause as the correspondents and assembled dignitaries tried to digest the thought of this new way of living.
The prime minister continued: “Naturally, we will no longer need yoga teachers and yoga ashrams, and they will, from today, start being transformed into Poditva instructors and PodiAshrams — centers for the propagation of Poditva chanting.” No one knew how to respond to this announcement.
“Lastly,” he said, “detractors of Poditva will be sent on a re-education course lasting three days, which is so effective that all such detractors will volunteer to join GA and NM as the chief propagators of Poditva in different countries. Naturally, they will not receive any pay, but will themselves pay, for the privilege, 99% of their total income, which will go into the International Fund for the Promotion of Poditva.”
He added: “Of course, Poditva is so wonderful that such a fund will not now need to exist, and if it did exist, it would not need any contributions by anyone.” Wagging his index finger in characteristic fashion, he said, “But symbolic actions are necessary and useful to counter earlier jumlas.” There was not much enthusiasm for this point, but that did not deter Podi, in fact it seemed to encourage him as he came to the climax.
He said: “I am now in discussions with the UN secretary general, the heads of all countries — including Chairman Yi, President Rump, President Petain, the pope in Rome, and Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Khamamenei, along with all international religious authorities, such as Pope Shenouda VI, Muhammed el-Tayeb, Grand Ayatollah Sistanit, Sheikh Abdullah bin Bazzaah and Amir Hajji Musa bin Mohammed Abd al-Wahhab and the Han-ai Lama — to create a world government and to establish Poditva as the world religion.”
At this, the applause was deafening. Some correspondents not only thumped their tables, but even overturned them. Many were openly weeping for joy and embracing each other, while Podi acolytes were seen giving the Podi salute (where the right hand is put to the right hip in the form of a fist, the left arm points straight across the chest, and the person giving the salute rocks back and forth from heel to toe).
As the roar threatened to get out of control, the national military band played a tune that no one recognized, but the puzzlement was resolved as fireworks exploded over the houses of Parliament spelling out “India’s New National Hymn.” The words of the hymn were being rapidly distributed to the correspondents. However, due to some miscalculation on the part of Podi’s press office, the number of copies of the text were about a tenth of what was needed for everyone to have a copy.
As a result, while the press conference was concluding with the distribution of milk, milk-and-honey, honey-and-milk-based Indian sweets, tea and coffee, PodiMosas and other snacks, there were fights and tussles to get hold of the text. America Times will provide, the very second it can get hold of it, the entire text.
Meanwhile, by the time of going to press, this correspondent could get hold of only one scrap of coffee-stained paper with the first line of the hymn, which reads, “Jana Gana Mana Podinayaka Jayate.”
*[Note: The first line of India’s national anthem is “Jana Gana Mana Adhinayaka Jaya He,” which translates as, “Victory to the ruler of the minds of all people.” Lokbhagwaan means the “god of the people.”]
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