Like many of you, I was shocked when I heard Emperor Sheev Palpatine’s recent declaration. Reorganizing the Galactic Republic, which has stood for over a thousand years, into a Galactic Empire is a harrowing proposition. We may lose some of our liberties. The voice of the people may be dampened across the galaxy. These are indeed troubling times.

However, we must have faith in our new emperor. Palpatine is a wise man and an incredible politician deserving our respect. The senators preceding me were right to vote him into office, bringing an end to the corrupt former Chancellor Finis Valorum’s political failure. Palpatine held us together when thousands of star systems seceded, forming the Confederacy of Independent Systems (CIS). I believe he will remain the great leader we all know. Furthermore, he is keeping the Senate intact for the foreseeable future, and I intend to continue representing my people’s interests.

Let us not forget the catalyst behind this dramatic governmental transition: an attack from within. I’m not surprised the high and mighty Jedi Order would attempt to murder our beloved leader in pursuit of power. I fully support our emperor’s declared hunt for those mystical traitors. From my point of view, the Jedi are evil — and by the end of this piece, I believe you’ll agree.

Jedi are not peacekeepers

For the uninitiated, the Jedi Order is a religious cult that worships the Force, an energy field they say every living thing produces. This energy supposedly manifests more powerfully in certain individuals of any sentient species — from Ithorians to Wookiees, but mostly humans, it seems — allowing them to perform impossible feats. Most Jedi claim they can levitate objects, influence idiots’ minds and sense far-off threats. So, a load of bantha poodoo, then.

Yet this monastic order has been a powerful presence throughout the galaxy since even before our Republic. They’ve served as agents of diplomacy and have been dispatched to end disputes wherever they’ve arisen. In fact, it’s rumored that the corrupt Valorum sent these kooky monks to resolve the Trade Federation’s blockade and invasion of Naboo 13 years ago.

Jedi don’t resolve disputes the way we civilized people do. Sure, they converse with both sides of the nuanced conflicts they aim to resolve. But it seems they prefer to find justice at the end of a blade. They train day and night with their lightsabers — deadly laser swords. If the party they deem guilty doesn’t immediately relent, Jedi will gladly manipulate them or ignite their weapons to force surrender.

These self-righteous maniacs call themselves “keepers of the peace” and have a very simplistic definition of that. What respectable mediator resorts to threats of violence?

Jedi started the Clone Wars

As expressed by former Jedi Master Mace Windu, the Jedi are “not soldiers.” Yet they seemingly had no qualms with taking the role of generals in the Clone Wars. For the past three years, the most tactical of them have been directing the Grand Army of the Republic on the front lines. Though I respect Palpatine’s choice to employ skilled fighters in our war effort, I scoff at these peacekeepers’ eagerness to helm our military.

I’ve been vocal of my disdain for the Clone Wars. From the very beginning, the death toll has been catastrophic. Billions of civilians and Clone Troopers have perished at the hands of CIS-controlled Battle Droids. From our ruinous defeat on Sarrish to our pyrrhic victory on Umbara, this war has taken more lives than a rampaging rancor. It’s bred nothing but cataclysm for the civilizations on Ryloth and Anaxes.

In addition to the enormous body count, our Republic spent trillions of credits producing, training and equipping soldiers alone. Add in an undisclosed amount for the Republic fleet and ground control, and you get an extremely costly war effort. The taxes on our fair planet, Coruscant, have soared as a result.

And who started this terrible conflict? The Jedi, of course! The attempted execution on Geonosis of Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his padawan (pupil) Anakin Skywalker sparked the Clone Wars. And who led the execution? None other than CIS Head of State Count Dooku, a former Jedi Master! (Go on, refresh your memory of that disastrous day — click the link, Jar Jar Binks.) So we can thank these sword-swinging hypocrites for this dreadful bloodshed.

Jedi steal our children

The Jedi staunchly forbid forming emotional attachments — they cannot love or have families. But their “Force-sensitivity” purportedly comes from midi-chlorians, some microscopic organism they claim lives inside everyone’s cells. I believe these are bogus, of course.

If the Jedi aren’t passing their midi-chlorians down through their own bloodlines, where do the thousands of warrior monks come from? They snatch other people’s kids. Many families across the galaxy say their babies have strange abilities, and the Jedi conveniently show up shortly after to “convince” them to part with their dear progeny. They take the tykes to be indoctrinated in their temple on Coruscant, where they forget their parents’ love in favor of meditation and sword-swinging.

As a native Rodian, this horrid practice hits close to home. My hometown, Rodia’s capital of Iskaayuma, has lost its share of children to these cultists over the years. Notorious bounty hunter Cad Bane killed one of them, the Jedi Master Bolla Ropal, toward the beginning of the Clone Wars. Bane then took a page out of the Jedi’s book and stole another — Wee Dunn, a supposedly Force-sensitive toddler — from his mother. Thankfully, Republic forces recovered him unharmed. Yet another child, Ganodi, was taken for training less than a decade ago.

Do you think it was her master who attempted to assassinate Palpatine? Or did they rope that poor girl into the plot?

Jedi are no joke

The Jedi religion is clearly a malevolent scheme for power. Palpatine is right: Its followers need to be brought to justice. I feel our upcoming Empire should make catching the remaining Jedi its top priority, above Clone Wars reparations. I long for the day when I log onto the HoloNet, recreational death stick between my suction-cupped fingers, and read that the last Jedi is in custody. I’m looking forward to this.

I implore our emperor to start the hunt immediately, this very month. At any moment, the surviving Jedi could make a second attempt on his life and succeed. Then we’d be under their insane rule, wearing robes and fruitlessly trying to move objects with hand gestures. Truly, we’d all look like April Fools.

[Anton Schauble edited this piece.]

The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect Fair Observer’s editorial policy.