[This is the final part of a ten-part series. To read more, see Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 here.]

Caffè Italiano: The two meet and are in the process of settling down into their habitual corner. 

The EU bureaucrat is intently looking at the entrance. A woman enters, oozing authority, and looks around, finds who she is seeking and comes towards them. 

EU bureaucrat: Ah, there she is.

Islamofactist: Who?

EU bureaucrat: My boss. She’s the EU senior. 

The EU senior approaches and shakes hands with the Islamofactist. 

Islamofactist: Enchantée, Madame!

EU Senior: Enchanté, Monsieur. Finally! The Islamofactist himself! I’ve heard so much about you. The EU Bureaucrat has been telling me every discussion you’ve had in detail. Gave me his notebook, all full. Our experts are studying it. I’ve been reporting everything up the chain, too. 

Islamofactist: And what was the reaction?

EU Senior: My bosses were furious. 

Islamofactist: (Getting up) There’s nothing more I have to say. I’d better leave. 

EU Senior: Wait! There’s a lot in what you’ve said. 

Islamofactist: That is neither here nor there. If my method is of no use, then… 

EU Senior: What I meant was we looked at your method closely and examined its utility, considering the state of Europe today. Made my bosses and me nostalgic. What thinkers we had! Socrates, who gave us moral philosophy. Look how calmly he drank hemlock and died, making him a figure of immense moral integrity.

Islamofactist: I’m confused. Are you saying Europe today is ready to follow Socrates’s example for its ideals? In that case, what ideals is it willing to die for? Surely, Europe does not want to go as described by Douglas Murray in his book, The Strange Death of Europe. 

EU Senior: No. What I meant was that one must strive to live up to one’s ideals. 

Islamofactist: And what might they be?

EU Senior: We need to find a reply to the word Islamophobia. My bosses are feeling trapped by that word. Secretly, of course, they dare not voice their frustration in public. To talk critically about Islamophobia would be … you know …  Islamophobic. 

Islamofactist: I understand. They are trapped in a hall of mirrors. 

EU Senior: They feel they are in a confusing or disorienting situation in which it is difficult to distinguish between competing versions of reality when it comes to Islam and Muslims. 

Islamofactist: And what do they plan to do about it?

EU Senior: Well, they needed to find a solution. And they think that Islamofactism and the Islamofactist method offer them a way to discuss Islam and Muslims without hatred, prejudice or stereotyping in a way that is consistent with EU ideals. 

EU bureaucrat: That’s exactly what he told me the first time we met!

EU Senior: Let’s go over all that can be established about Islam and Muslims using Islamofactism, shall we? (She takes out a notebook)

Islamofactist: I would be happy to see if the Islamofactist approach made sense. 

EU Senior: (reading from her notebook) On day one, you explained, “The Islamofactist method is essentially based on discussing Islam and Muslims on facts.” Correct?

Islamofactist: Correct.

EU Senior: On days two and three, you demonstrated using the Islamofactist method how one can objectively study the collective behaviour of Muslims, which Muslims themselves call “Muslimness.” Do I get it?

Islamofactist: You got it. 

EU Senior: On day four, the Islamofactist method conclusively demonstrated that Muslim women are discriminated against and denied their full human potential and autonomy because of certain facets of Islamic culture. Correct?

Islamofactist: That is indeed an unfortunate fact. 

EU Senior: On day five, the Islamofactist method showed that 5.39 million European Muslims consider that “violence is sometimes or always acceptable” because someone has insulted their religion, which should be concerning to us. For the sake of consistency, and grounded in EU law, we ought to consider when Muslims are the victims as well as aggressors. Is my understanding flawed? 

Islamofactist: On the contrary, you have understood perfectly well. 

EU Senior: On day six, Islamofactism allowed us to establish that Muslims are overrepresented in crime without vilifying all Muslims. Correct?

Islamofactist: Yes, unfortunately, overrepresentation is a fact. 

EU Senior: On day seven, Islamofactism established that Islamic terrorism is not caused by poverty or socio-economic deprivation. Rather, it is politico-religious in nature, has killed more than a quarter of a million people since 1979 and even when carried out by one or a handful of individuals, can have history-changing consequences. Correct?

Islamofactist: Yes, it is one of the greatest dangers humanity faces because, unsurprisingly, terrorism causes terror in the general population. 

EU Senior: And on day eight, you showed through Islamofactism that merely by stating facts one does not incite, promote, spread or justify violence, hatred or discrimination against Muslims and is therefore not hate speech. True?

Islamofactist: One hundred percent. 

EU Senior: And on day nine, Islamofactism showed that there is a pattern of failure of Muslim integration in Europe that is manifested at the physical and cultural level. There is, as well, an active hostility to integration based upon eternal Quranic commands. That was the last topic. Did I get that right?

Islamofactist: You did. 

EU Senior: And here we are on day ten. The question is: what next? 

Islamofactist: That’s for you to decide, as my work is over. My intention is to suggest a way out for the EU from the grip of the word Islamophobia. You have that word: Islamofactism and Islamofactist. Europe must decide for itself. 

EU Senior: You know, I’m beginning to think that is the only way we have. There must be a way to discuss Islam and Muslims that is neither denial nor abuse! And come to think of it, I could see a lot of my bosses, too, agreeing with your approach. There was even talk of pushing this up to the Council of Ministers. Just imagine! 

Islamofactist: I’m glad I could be of help. 

EU bureaucrat: Boy! He made sense to me from day one. (He turns to the server) L’addition, s’il vous plaît. 

The two men struggle over who will pay the bill, and decide to split it. 

EU Senior: (She takes out a credit card) This one’s on the EU credit card. The biggest bang it’ll ever get for 50 euros. 

Their business concluded, all three step outside and look at each other, then at the busy street scene around them. They look at each other again with some wonder. 

EU Senior: Doesn’t the world look different? I mean, I’m an Islamofactist now.

EU bureaucrat: Me too! 

Islamofactist: Au revoir, Madame et Monsieur. Bonne chance à l’Europe.

[Cheyenne Torres edited this piece.]

The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect Fair Observer’s editorial policy.